Does Unconditional Love Really Exist?
Some say that unconditional love is the purest and noblest feeling there is. It’s loving without expecting anything in return, it’s wanting with each of our senses, our fibers and with each particle of our being.
It is, moreover, appreciating the other for being the way he is, for everything he does, for everything he says, even when that someone is not by our side.
Herman Hesse said that those who know how to love will always end up winning in life. However, what exactly do we refer to by “loving well”? Is unconditional love, perhaps, an exemplary practice of good love?
The truth is that there is no exact and clarifying answer on this aspect, but there are some reflections that deserve to be taken into consideration.
To begin with, more than one person is likely to say that establishing a couple relationship based on unconditional passion often has dangerous consequences.
Because a love without limits and conditions, as we well know, ends up, in most cases, crossing the line where identities and self-esteem are hurt.
However, there will be many who will affirm with conviction that if there is a deep, authentic and unconditional affection , it is what we establish with our children.
But what happens when we have before us a narcissistic child who, in addition to love, demands whims and privileges, despite treating us with tyranny and lack of respect?
Emotional psychology proposes us to differentiate two very specific realities on this subject. We must differentiate between love as a feeling and love as a relational setting. It’s one thing to love and the other is to live with those we love. Let’s go deeper into this subject below.
Unconditional love and relationships with conditions
Is it possible to enjoy unconditional love? The answer is yes, but obviously we must first understand the nuances.
For this, nothing better than turning to neuroscience to discover something that may surprise many people: our brain is designed to love unconditionally.
The brain and unconditional love
Doctors Mario Beauregard and Jérôme Courtemanche, from the University of Montreal (Canada), conducted an interesting study to discover that unconditional love shares the same neural mechanisms as addictive processes.
There is a reward mechanism driven by dopamine, serotonin, by
Unconditional love is, in fact, similar to romantic love. There is a mixture of absolute passion, devotion, attachment and intense affection. Somehow, our brain would be designed to experience this kind of love so intense.
But our most rational part, of course, forces us to set limits.
Love is one thing and relationships are another.
Unconditional love is still a feeling. However, beyond this universe, there are human relationships.
As we know, in a couple relationship, love is not always everything. No matter how much two people love each other, not if communication is problematic, not if there is no reciprocity, empathy, or respect.
Undoubtedly, all this creates situations as contradictory as they are painful: one can love deeply, but understanding that coexistence is impossible.
I love you unconditionally but I know I must let you go
We can love someone without limits and unconditionally. It’s an unquestionable reality. There are loves that hurt; are those in which we become aware that we hold a blind crush on someone who does us no good.
We know this and that’s why we let it go, for our sake, for our psychological balance.
Thus, in these situations, there is still a reality that may seem familiar to many: despite having left a relationship and having gained well-being and self-esteem with it, the unconditional love for that person continues to exist as such.
Because as we can see, the feelings sometimes prevail, even if the relationship no longer exists.
Love needs limits and (healthy) conditions
The limits, beyond what we might think, are hygienic, healthyand even powerful. It is true that we often fear them and have a little difficulty in putting them around us, but they are informational barriers that oxygenate relationships, improve coexistence and allow us to gain happiness.
Unconditional love as a feeling is real, we know. However, we must sculpt it in an artisanal way so that it fits our relationship, so that it understands that, in terms of affection, limits and conditions are necessary. And this also applies to upbringing and education.
We can love our children as they deserve: infinitely, deeply and passionately. However, this does not mean at all that a child should assume that he can act as he wishes, that blackmail, excessive demands and violations are allowed.
Because in relationships not everything goes, even if love exists. Because in coexistence there are rules and barriers to be respected, although affection is always present, willing to shelter and protect.
