The Confused Grief: “Why Did You Leave Me?”

Many separations occur without an explanation of why and sometimes not even the form. The person separating may not want to hurt the other person or may simply be afraid of their reaction. This leaves doubts that often lead to confused grief.

For better or for worse, relationships do not occur symmetrically. Also, the two don’t feel the same, and in many cases the changes don’t go in the same direction. It’s relatively common for one of the two to want to break up, but the other doesn’t. This obviously causes pain for both of them, but it is more intense for those who see their desires thwarted.

To this pain, an additional difficulty is often added: those who leave do not know or do not want to say why they are doing this. This can complicate coping with the other, as the sadness of the loss is aggravated by an unanswered question: “Why did you leave me?” This is what gives rise to confused grief.

an unexpected situation

The most common is that the person who does not want to end, or who is abandoned, feels a great surprise at the situation. Hardly anyone sees the end coming, sometimes because they refuse to see it, but more often because there is a deterioration in the couple’s communication and a certain insensitivity to the relationship.

There are also cases where the other person is responsible for deliberately hiding his intentions until he thinks the time is right. This happens very often in cases of infidelity.

Likewise, there are cases where the person who does not make the decision is overly dependent or overly controlling and the other chooses more to “run away” than to finish. Fear of the reactions your decision might elicit leads you to hide your intentions until they become a fact.

The common thing in all these cases is that one of the two members of the couple is not ready to break up, but the other is. There is usually no time to prepare. Not always, but in many cases, what follows is one messy fight, ie a situation of assimilation process marked by doubt.

the confused mourning

Confused grief has a higher than normal stupor dose. From the beginning, it’s marked by that “I can’t believe it” thought. It is a way of expressing an attitude of denial in relation to the facts, which at the same time mistakenly protects against suffering.

From then on, the question becomes the predominant sign. Often the “why did you leave me?” it becomes an obsession. The question lingers in the mind all the time, and that’s how many people become spies for their ex.

It is also the case of those who have extreme difficulty in assimilating the facts and then reproduce insistent behaviors in order not to allow the break-up with their ex-partners. Again and again, they look to the other to answer the question that keeps them from moving forward.

Why did you leave me?

Most of the time, it’s not worth going after that answer. If the other doesn’t explain himself in time, he probably never will. Maybe you’re ashamed of your selfishness or your mistakes. Maybe you feel vulnerable and don’t want the guilt to pull you back.

It is also possible that there is no specific reason, or that, if there is, it is not very presentable: “I got tired”. Therefore, the other is usually not a good resource when it comes to resolving a messy grief. Why were we abandoned? The most frequent reasons are these:

• Another love. The most common reason for a breakup is to fall in love with someone else. They will most likely deny it, but that’s what usually happens.
• Boredom. The relationship becomes routine and one of the two can no longer tolerate the stagnation. It is rarely admitted to the other that their company no longer arouses motivation.
• Emotional exhaustion. Arguing too much or having to fill in too big a gap can be exhausting. There may be love, but tiredness is stronger.
• Strong crises. The death of a loved one, bankruptcy or some life crisis can trigger the desire to turn the page and start from scratch.

• Existential changes. Some personal change, a new religion, or a new interest can make the relationship no longer make sense in the new context.
• Disappointment. It happens when initial projects are not fulfilled, when faith in a future together runs out because many disappointments have accumulated along the way.

In every mourning, there are questions that remain unanswered. In confused grief, it may be more important to look inside yourself, because that is where more relevant answers can be found than those who left us can give us.