You Say I Changed, But You Were The Sculptor Of My Sorrows

Sometimes we look back and try to remember how we were before. It is absolutely not a question of remembering past youth, our fifteen or twenty years; sometimes we do this to remember what our character was like a while ago compared to how we feel and react now. Are we more prudent? Has our smile lost some of that innocence? Do we react with caution and less optimism?

There are people who make us change. Sometimes we live relationships that, far from enriching us, cause sadness, needs and even fear. And no, we’re not just talking about affective relationships, or men or women who use their skillful wiles as emotional manipulators. We are also talking about our family relationships, capable of leaving us wounded and marking part of our childhood, of our joys.

We are, in fact, sure that this has happened to you at some point. In the middle of a conversation, someone suddenly uses an irritated tone and reprimands him: “It’s just that you’re not like you used to be”, “It’s not so much fun anymore”, “You don’t have the same dreams and same spark”. What happened? It may even be that the same person who asks you this question is responsible for this change.

Personal relationships that do not favor personal growth

There are many types of relationships that certainly do not help us to move forward as emotionally strong, secure and happy people, as we have someone to accompany us at every step, in every experience. It doesn’t matter if we talk about our peers, relatives and even friendships; there are clearly harmful people who can change our way of looking at life. However, affective relationships are the ones with the greatest emotional cost, and the ones that can make us change the most.

Now, have you ever wondered how these changes in our character come about? Take note of the following aspects:

1. Changes in our emotional record

It is possible that before you characterized yourself as a person of great emotional openness, you were receptive, happy, optimistic… However, in an interaction where, far from being recognized, you found contempt, impositions or criticism, your character changed.

You no longer show your emotions, you hide them; love is no longer loaded with dreams, but with anguish and uncertainty, and there is nothing worse than not knowing what to stick to or seeing how the scales get out of balance. We invested millions of dreams, joys and efforts, and now we only receive sadness.

2. Exploration of our cognitive bias

If before you had a strong view of yourself, self-esteem allowed you to see the world with a broad view and fit into each of these perspectives, now your path is completely skewed. The mirror shows the image of someone frustrated, someone who is unable to break out of this vicious circle because self-esteem has turned into a feeling of inferiority.

3. Changes in self-perception

If I offered optimism, openness, affection and humility, and I only received contempt, jokes and criticism, what would I do? First, be aware that the person who claimed to love me doesn’t really love me. Or not, at least as I expected. Later, it is very likely that he has a negative perception of me for having been wrong, for being naively deceived, and for having invested in someone who did not deserve my efforts or my feelings.

I will see the other person in a bad way, but I will also have a negative self-perception of myself, which is very dangerous, because the emotional costs often turn us into victims. And this is something we must face.

I changed, but I will move forward

They disappointed us and caused us harm. It may be that, throughout your life, you have met many sadness sculptors, because they exist in all genres, in all conditions and with many masks. However, it is also important that even knowing “that something has changed within us”, we reflect on these aspects:

• It may be that you are no longer the same person as yesterday, who so enjoyed opening up to life, you are no longer so innocent and you know what the pain of disappointment is. First of all, what you must do now is get out of any situation that causes suffering, don’t allow yourself to be a victim. Stand back.

• Accept what happened ; it is part of you and you must be part of it. You suffered, you were disappointed and you tasted the greatest sadness. What’s the use of denying? Take on and, daily, let go of the pain, let it go, lighten your load…
• You are no longer your sorrows, you are someone who has accepted them and left them behind. You are your present, your “here and now”, the past pain must remain in the yesterday and in a learning process that we can safely move forward with.

 Image Credits: Lucy Campbell