Before You Love Me, I Want You To Understand Me
There is a time in life when we seek love as if it were the “Holy Grail of happiness”. However, with time and experience we realize that, on many occasions, being understood is much more comforting than being loved. It may be that at first we focus on wanting to be loved. But in the end, wanting to be understood ends up gaining ground, or at least balancing the scales.
For people, feeling that the other can understand their thoughts and feelings is fundamental. If we don’t or can’t see that others understand us, it ‘s easy to end up thinking that those who say they love us actually love someone we’re not. This is why it is so important that this desire to want to be understood is to a great extent satisfied.
I want to be understood
Feeling that others don’t know us and don’t understand us can make another feeling grow in us, that of feeling very distant from others, as if we were speaking in another language. When we feel that those who love us don’t know us, we feel alone, isolated.
Can a person really feel loved when they don’t feel understood? This question is suitable for all types of relationships, from family relationships to friendships, without leaving love relationships aside.
We all need to be understood as well as loved
Feeling that others understand what we say, do, and feel is critical to achieving a lasting sense of security and well-being at every stage of our lives, for a variety of reasons.
When we feel that the other doesn’t understand us, the connection weakens. This makes us feel alone, disconnected, isolated. Knowing that we are understood by those who love us makes us feel part of the world, validated.
When those who love us understand us, we are invaded by the feeling that this love is, in some way, sincere. This confirms our identity. Feeling understood makes us feel valuable. In this sense, feeling understood connects us with others. However, the opposite makes us feel alone and distant from those around us. Furthermore, when we feel understood, we can also understand ourselves better, because in this case, others are able to help us.
Feeling understood increases well-being, both personal and social
The study entitled “The neural basis of feeling understood and not understood” (Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 2014) demonstrates how the feeling of understanding increases well-being, both personal and social. However, there are not many studies that have investigated the neurological bases of this “feeling understood”. This study addressed these gaps, experimentally inducing understanding and lack of understanding of feelings as participants underwent an MRI.
The results showed that each feeling provoked different activations in areas related to reward and social connection. Thus, neuronal responses were related to feelings of connection and social disconnection, and were shaped by individual differences in sensitivity to rejection.
If they don’t understand you, make yourself understood
Don’t forget that you have a part of the responsibility, an important capacity for influence, to make others understand you. Before blaming others, ask yourself if there’s anything else you can do to get your message across so that others can get a better idea of what you’re feeling.
On the other hand, it is often necessary that we understand ourselves first before wanting others to understand us. One way or another, patience and emotional intelligence will help us to manage the situation, preventing sadness from taking us over, fueled by the loneliness that emanates from any feeling of incomprehension.
