When Loving From A Distance Is A Choice
There are many ways to understand love, many ways to love and feel loved, but some of them are judged negatively by those who cannot understand them. One of these peculiar ways of living love is to love from a distance by choice. We are not talking about those couples who are forced by circumstances to live apart, whether for work or family reasons, but those who, by their own choice, decide not to live under the same roof.
To love from a distance is, in short, to be a couple, but without living as a couple. It’s like a permanent relationship in which part of the intimacy of being able to live together is rejected. The other activities in your life happen as with any other couple, but the idea of moving in together is simply not a desired option.
This way of understanding love is seen with astonishment and reticence by the rest of society, especially by those couples who, wanting this relationship, do not have the option of keeping it. They cannot understand how it can be a love in which there is an explicit renunciation of the intimacy that living under the same roof brings. They imagine that behind their decision there is a great fear of commitment.
Love from a distance or pretentious love?
According to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, for a mature and complete love to exist, the three fundamental pillars must exist:
- Intimacy, which enables feelings that promote closeness, bonding and connection within a relationship. Within this intimacy, mutual knowledge will be produced and trust will be established.
- The passion that is reflected in the intense desire for union with the other.
- Commitment, which has to do with fidelity to the norms agreed upon by the couple, both those that were explicitly agreed upon and those that were implicitly agreed upon. This factor would involve protecting the relationship, both in good times and in bad.
In the case of love at a distance, intimacy would be lacking, so that, according to this author, we would be faced with what is considered pretentious love. Pretentious love is one in which passion is what makes the relationship work and keeps the couple together. Nothing but the enjoyment you get from the other unites them, and that is why they commit to spend as much time together as possible, but without getting to know each other, since intimacy does not exist.
Pretentious love is a love that is based on passion and commitment, but in which an intimacy that has created trust has not been developed. In this sense, it is worth saying that intimacy is something that is built little by little in the couple, and appears later than other elements of union, such as passion, which usually appear from the beginning of relationships.
Love from a distance or fear of suffering?
More colloquially, we tend to equate loving at a distance with the fear of being heartbroken. As Fernando Alberca says, the fear of commitment appears in people who are in the passion phase and are unable to enter the next stage, which is that of love. This happens because, in order to talk about love, it is necessary to have been vulnerable.
Opening up, showing your authenticity, your essence to another person, implies showing yourself vulnerable in front of them. Therefore, for those people who fear being hurt, avoiding the intimacy in which they would have to show themselves vulnerable is a great option.
Furthermore, loving from a distance implies not living together, so that if there is an end of grief it will not be as intense, since the established bonds will not be so deep. This is because the residence is not just any place, but its own safe haven in which to take shelter.
However, on the other hand it also prevents you from loving on all levels, with all your soul and all your skin. The fear of suffering again, of being heartbroken, will keep you from living many parts of the love you deserve to enjoy. Stop being afraid, take risks and don’t love with distance, but with all your heart.
