I Loved Him Until My Self-respect Said, “No Way”

I loved him until my self-esteem said “it’s not for that”. I let the blindfolds fall off my eyes, took the chains off my heart and even the high heels to put myself at her height. Then I could see: you are not the love of my life, nor the one of a day, nor the one of an instant : you are just someone who made me believe that I was nothing, when in fact, I am everything.

Realizing that “you are not for so much and neither am I for so little” is undoubtedly a gesture of personal revolution. An act of courage and self-assertion of the self-esteem that dignifies us. However, it must be admitted that not everyone has this psychic and emotional tendon capable of putting a limit between self-love and dependence. Between dignity and renunciation.

We know that the word “self love” is on the rise. That there are many books, manuals and courses that repeat almost like a mantra that “no one can establish a healthy relationship if they don’t love themselves first”.  But knowing the concept does not mean that we know how to apply it in the best way.

Self-love is not built just through a book or reflecting on it. It is not a passive entity, just the opposite. Self-love is a state of absolute self-appreciation that grows out of actions that build our own physical and emotional health. It’s a dynamic dimension that also tends to go through some ups and downs.

We suggest a reflection on this.

You weren’t even that big, but I gave my whole world to you

Astronomers comment that phenomena very similar to our affective relationships occur in the universe. Just as an example, there is a nebula called Henize 2-428 which, seen from the telescope, fascinates for its singular beauty and peculiar mystery. In fact, this nebula is the union of two white dwarfs, two old stars in the last stage of their lives, withering away.

But the curious thing about this pair is that they orbit each other every four hours. They conduct a lethal but incredibly beautiful dance where sooner or later they will collapse. In some way, we too, without being celestial bodies, unfold this game of forces. We know there are loves destined to be little more than the dust of a memory, but we nurture them anyway. We orbit around this insane love, in these gravitational waves where self-esteem hangs for the wind to take it.

Maybe that love wasn’t all that much, but until we realized, until dignity didn’t weigh more than surrender, tears and dependence, we didn’t open our eyes. However, it is necessary to clarify: the cult of sacrifice should not be nurtured. Because no universe can smother our own individuality, our self-love, our unique and exceptional light like that.

The self-love recipe

Let’s imagine for a moment self-love in a very concrete way: as a skeleton, our own. It gives us support, strength, resistance and guarantees us a harmonious and correct movement so that we can develop on a daily basis. If this skeleton has a broken tibia or femur, we will need crutches or a wheelchair. We will be dependent.

This personal dimension needs exceptional life support. However, we know that from time to time it has its ups and downs, its wear and tear and consequent pain. Therefore, it is worth considering the factors that are part of this recipe to keep it in “good condition”.

Pillars to consolidate self-love

The first pillar is, without a doubt, personal coherence. It is another term that many defend and few apply, because it takes, above all, courage. By coherence we refer to the need to maintain a correlation between what we feel and what we do. Between what we think and what we express.

• Sometimes it ‘s better to prioritize what you need over what you’d like.  For example, maybe just now you have ended a love relationship. Loneliness and bitterness despair and what you urgently want is to find someone to relieve those emptiness. But… really, do you think that’s what you need at these times?

• Set a healthy threshold. In English the curious term called “frenemies” is used, which could be translated as “ ami-enemies ”. It designates those people who live around us dressed as friends, but who are actually malicious, are enemies. Limiting these links and interactions is vital.
• Live intentionally, don’t accept crumbs. Self-love needs determination, half-loves don’t do, nor laughter during the day and tears at night.

Living with intention is to understand that to be happy you have to make decisions, and not orbit erratically around others like a celestial body that sooner or later will end up collapsing and disappearing. Let us learn to shine, to have our own light, a firm voice and a worthy and brave heart to attract what we truly deserve.