Intolerance Of Failure: 5 Tips To Fight It

There are people who cannot tolerate the slightest setback. When their desires are not satisfied, they feel great discomfort. When their projects are swallowed, we can identify in them a marked intolerance to failure. It also happens to them when they experience unpleasant sensations and feelings.

It’s normal that no one likes to feel frustrated or weak. However, life is not perfect. We would all like it to happen as we anticipated, but the reality is different. There is a phrase that says “life is not how you want it to be, life is how it is”. However, no matter how successful this claim is, there are many people who don’t think so.

We want everything for now, no waiting, right away. Furthermore, what we expect to happen must happen in a way that is pleasing or satisfying to our interests. Yes, we believe that. Or, at least, many think that way, and with that way of thinking, they build all those schemas (representations of the world) that they work with.

Life is not how you want it to be, life is how it is

We’ve all heard at one time that “you must be happy” or “you must not feel sad”. When you use the verb “should”, you need to be very careful. Why? Good, because nothing should be a certain way. Things are as they are, however much we think they should be. Duty can motivate a change or demotivate it, but in no case does it produce it.

If we think otherwise, we will spend our time jumping from dissatisfaction to dissatisfaction, from frustration to frustration. Let’s think, for example, about how our lives should be. Should our life be perfectly pleasant or successful? No. It shouldn’t be for the simple reason that it actually isn’t. We can strive to get as close as possible, but tolerating that there will always be something to contend with, accepting it as part of the game.

Our lives move around infinite shades of gray. They are rarely black and white, perfect or terrible. If so, then why do we keep thinking otherwise?

duty, a dangerous enemy

What does the verb “ought” mean? According to the dictionary, duty means “to be obligated to something by divine, natural or positive law”. I think the sun should come out every day, but I don’t think it should always be good weather.

When we say that something must be a certain way, we are somehow using the imperative. We are saying that our environment (people, animals, objects, etc.) must somehow obey a premise, what we say, as if we were dictators of universal laws. But the truth is that, by far, if we mask our desires with this kind of formulas (possibility->obligation), they will continue to be fulfilled at a similar percentage (unless we implement other types of changes).

It’s because? Because, as much as we say, if the environment does not recognize the obligation we impose, it is useless. It makes us more frustrated or we feel smaller and miserable. “Oh, the world doesn’t obey me!”

On the other hand, there are people who say “you must be a good person” or “you must not suffer for it”. Attention danger! Where is it written that I must meet the criteria that define a good person for you? Sometimes I’ll be a good person for you, but sometimes I won’t. Sometimes I will suffer for something, sometimes I won’t.

Duty is at the root of intolerance to failure

The intolerance of failure is one of the reasons people experience difficulties. Think of a child who throws a tantrum because he didn’t get the candy he loves so much. She cries, kicks, screams, gets mad. In the child’s mind, it is not yet written that things will not always turn out as he would like. That’s why you have to teach him to channel his emotions.

As adults, we must learn to tolerate the disobedience of reality, the fact that it will not always conform to our wishes, no matter how noble. In itself, the goodness or badness of a wish does not increase the chances of its being fulfilled.

On the other hand, some people have been brought up in such a way that imperatives like “you should …” reigned in their upbringing. Other people have learned not to tolerate failure or frustration through experiences, things that happened to them and made them think that way permanently.

The great psychologist Albert Ellis wrote: “While the less disturbed person strongly desires what he wants and feels appropriately and is upset if his desires are not satisfied, the more disturbed person demands, insists, reigns, or dogmatically orders his desires to be satisfied, and become overly distressed, depressed or hostile when they are not satisfied.”

As we can see, there’s nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable if something doesn’t work the way we want it to. What is unhealthy is demanding, insisting or ordering as if it were dogma.

Beliefs of people with low tolerance for failure

People with an intolerance of failure have learned to think and behave in a certain way. They have a series of beliefs that condition their way of seeing the world and interpreting reality. These beliefs are as follows:

• They believe that it is absolutely necessary that life be always easy and comfortable.
• They confuse a desire with a need.
• They must always get everything they want and for that they demand, order and insist.

• They think that any difficulty, delay, failure, etc. is too horrible to bear.

5 Tips to Fight Intolerance to Failure

Although we have been raised in terms of “should” or have beliefs similar to those above, there are some steps we can take to combat the intolerance of failure. Are the following:

Identify your irrational beliefs

When you feel frustrated, try to analyze what you are saying to yourself. What thoughts are you having? Be aware of them and write them down on a piece of paper.

It is likely that, in your internal dialogue, words like “should”, “always”, “never”, “I can’t bear” etc. appear. These, and not others, are the cause of your suffering.

Change your irrational beliefs

Once you’ve identified what you’re saying to yourself that doesn’t help you, it ‘s time to talk to yourself in a different way and change your way of thinking. It’s a process that takes a lot of trying, but it’s worth it.

To do this, use words like “I’d like it”, “it’s uncomfortable, but I can take it”, “sometimes”, etc. It’s about replacing your irrational beliefs with other, more adaptive beliefs.

Face the situations you cannot tolerate

Exposing yourself to situations that cause frustration can be a good strategy. List these situations. Write down how they affect you.

Once you’ve identified them, commit to facing them. To do this, provoke these situations and do nothing to avoid the discomfort they generate. Over time, your tolerance will increase and you will feel better and better.

If possible, take steps so that it doesn’t happen again

This may seem obvious, but sometimes we don’t realize it. It is about proposing solutions so that situations do not dominate and frustrate you.

For example, stop looking at your watch; the person you’re scheduled to meet is late. You can do something interesting in the meantime. In short, it’s about shifting the focus of attention to reduce your sense of frustration.

differentiate desire from need

It’s one thing to need a bigger house, for example, and quite another to want it or have certain preferences. When I need something, if I don’t have it, discomfort appears. If I prefer, I may feel discomfort, but it will be lighter.

There are few things we really need in life. Differentiating between what we need and what we would like to have or what happens is essential to avoid the feeling of failure or frustration.

In life it is very difficult to avoid difficulties and frustrations. We all fail at some point. It’s part of life and it’s totally normal. Therefore, we must learn to manage frustration and give ourselves permission to fail. In this way, we will have a more reality-oriented life and feel better.