To Those Who Left Us Without A Chance To Say Goodbye

Those who are no longer here sleep in the depths of our hearts. But many of these absences continue to be abysses of pain in our memory: because they left us without us being able to say goodbye, they left without a “I love you”, or there was no time to apologize. This vital anguish makes the proper grieving process difficult in many cases.

Death should be like a farewell on a train platform. There where people have a brief period of time where they can have one last word, where they can hug each other tightly and let it go in a calm, yet heavy-hearted way, having full confidence that everything will be all right. None of this is possible, however.

Those who left us without asking permission or saying goodbye

They often say that the only positive aspect of terminal illnesses is that they somehow allow the person to take over or even prepare a farewell process.  However, no matter how prepared the family is for this moment, or for this detachment, there are times when far from feeling relieved, they experience everything as something traumatic.

Now, those who left us without asking permission or saying goodbye are, without a doubt, the absences that cause us the most difficulty in starting our process of overcoming difficulties along the 5 stages that Kübler-Ross theorized. The usual thing is to get stuck in feelings of disbelief and denial, until you reach, in the worst-case scenario, a state of vital disorganization marked by chronic anger or depression.

The unexpected death of a loved one has more than an intense emotional impact. The loss leaves many things open, unfinished business, unspoken words, unexcused regrets, and the desperate need to have been able to say goodbye. The answers to all of this will be within us, and that’s where we have to take refuge for a certain time to somehow find calm, relief and acceptance.

How to face the death of a loved one when there was no opportunity to say goodbye

Jim Morrison once said that people are often more afraid of pain than of death, when in reality it is death itself that finally alleviates the pain. However, the famous singer of the band “The Doors” forgot something essential, since after the death another type of suffering begins: that of family, friends, spouses…

Something that we must be very clear from the beginning is that each person will experience their pain in a personal and particular way. There is no one time or one right strategy that works for everyone equally. In addition, this pain that so paralyzes you at first, that makes you gasp for air and that even your soul in the first days, weeks, or months, ends up softening. Because even though it seems to be almost impossible… we survived.

Learning to say goodbye to those we haven’t said goodbye

Those who left us with so much emptiness, unanswered questions, unspoken words and without that much-desired farewell will not return. It is something that we must assume, accept and face. Now, something that may give us some relief is to remember that this person was very fond of us, and that love was reciprocated.

• Avoid focusing your thoughts on the day of the loss, go back a little further in your mental time machine for moments of shared affection, those moments of happiness and peace. That’s where the answers to your questions lie: this person knew she was dear.

• Feel dear, comforted. Write a letter with everything you wish you had said to the person, if you like. You can also speak mentally or out loud, thus facilitating detachment. Then visualize a moment of harmony shared with that person, a moment of peace and happiness when you see them smiling and happy.

• If you prefer, you can repeat this exercise for as many days as you need. However, it is also appropriate to spend time with other family and friends, who will no doubt help you whenever you need it. They will convince you that even though there was no such long-awaited farewell, the other person knew very well how much you loved them.

The wound of loss, of this so painful and unexpected absence, will heal with time. Despite creating voids that sometimes never get filled, believe it or not, our brain is programmed to overcome all adversity, due to this almost innate instinct to keep going. To survive.

For this, we just need to take care of ourselves and pay attention to our needs like someone recomposing a delicate piece of fragmented porcelain. We will put all the pieces together again with the good memories that honor the dear one and with this matter that loves that are never forgotten are made, the most sincere and unforgettable affection and this emotional legacy that will serve as a basis for us to be much stronger and brave tomorrow.